This is a reminder to myself. For posting on the fridge. For reading when disoriented and confused. Something to grab onto when everything else feels like it’s slipping, uncontrollably, away.
. . .
Dear Self,
You’re feeling depressed. You recognize the signs. Inability to sleep. Inability to wake up. Desperate attempts to convince yourself that all would be fixed if you just moved to another city/apartment/universe. The crawling feeling that you cannot possibly stay within your skin a moment longer. Despair despair despair.
All is not lost. No, really. All is not lost. Do this:
Get up. Get showered. Get dressed. Get out (of the house). I know it feels hard. It is hard. Pat yourself heartily on the back for doing it.
Call for medical support. Immediately. *Remember that it isn’t personal if the doctor can’t see you immediately. That’s the way scheduling and doctors work, not a sign from the universe that your life doesn’t matter.
Go to work.
Keep writing your blog.
Now is not the time for driving yourself to exhaustion. (No time is, actually, but that’s another matter.)
Your state of mind isn’t a spiritual or moral failing.
Go to social gatherings. Pretend to be fine. Getting out and seeing people will make you feel less isolated. You can always leave early. The important part is getting out.
Some people really don’t understand depression. Do not talk to them about depression.
Some people get it. Talk to them, if you feel like it. Realize, though, that nothing anybody says is going to solve it.
Don’t read depressing books. Now is not the time for Zami. Now is not the time for A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Now is the time for Twilight. And Harry Potter.
Meditate. Ten minutes is not too little. Five minutes is not too little.
Go to the water. If that’s not an option, just get out in nature. Or at the very least, walk around the block.
Ask for the support you need from the people you trust. Someone to take you to the doctor. Help getting out of bed. Food shopping. If one person can’t do it, try someone else.
When you start telling yourself that you should be able to do this alone, and that you shouldn’t bother anyone, ask for help anyway. (You know you’d do the same for them.)
Don’t expect anybody else to recognize the immense accomplishment that getting out of bed and functioning is right now. You deserve a medal, and probably a trophy, too, but there’s no way they could know that, as they’re not in your brain with you. So recognize the accomplishment yourself. It’s huge.
With all the love and support I’ve got,
Your (Slightly Wiser) Self
. . .
These reminders aren’t prescriptive, ’cause that would be silly, as everybody’s different. These are my reminders for myself, and they’re probably way different from the ones you have for yourself. What’s on your list of instructions for when you’re depressed or anxious or manic or sad or even in a momentary rut?
13 Comments
This is so relevant to me right now. I’m in the process of weaning off of my meds so I’m hyper vigilant for any signs of impending sorrow. So here’s my short list for when I start to feel like I might be falling down the rabbit hole:
Listen to music that speaks to my feelings but from a positive or uplifting place (no Nine Inch Nails, Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw or Raise your Glass by Pink work well)
Have a cry then call someone. This one can be hard because after 21 years of struggling with this illness I feel like everyone must be thoroughly sick of hearing about the same fears and insecurities.
Find something that makes me laugh (In the absence of my kid The elephant sketch with Tim Conway on the Carol Burnett show usually does the trick)
Find someone to hug.
Go for a bike ride.
Great post Kylie. Thanks.
Hi Kylie: Good on you for taking a stand, and for helping yourself. I know that sometimes it feels impossible to do so and I admire your courage in sharing where you are in this moment.
I have found one thing that works for me when my world sucks and I’m in a terrible place of hopelessness or self-doubt. It sounds crazy but it has never failed: spreading loving kindness. During meditation, I sit and imagine sending love to my immediate area – room, house, whatever – then on to my city, then the state, then my country, then across the ocean, and I watch it surround the earth like a blanket of positive, healing energy and love. For some reason, I always feel better afterward.
You know, I don’t have a list. I need one.
Thanks so much for writing this. Those days do happen exactly as you described. I have been in that place and it’s awesome to read that someone else knows what it takes to get up and out some days.
Amazing.
And definitely a project I need to get working on.
Thank you.
Kristin: Oy, do I know that feeling of hyper-vigilance. I love your list. It’s clear that you’ve thought about it and have loads of wisdom about yourself — not that I’d expect anything less from you.
Kate: Good point! All the happiness research and all that jazz says that helping people increases happiness and decreases despair, but sometimes when you’re depressed, those big actions are just too much. Doing some lovingkindness meditation is a great way to do that without leaving your home, and on a deeper level. Thank you for sharing that.
Carol: Yes; make a list make a list! Can’t wait to see it. And yes: sometimes it does take soooo very much just to get up and out.
Lorinda: You are welcome. ♥
“Your state of mind isn’t a spiritual or moral failing.”
Thank you for this Kylie. Big, big hugs to you.
My biggest cure is a hike, but that’s not always possible where I’m at. A strong practice w/ lots of backbends (unless I’m anxious, then fwd instead) Time alone in a sunshiny (preferably out-of-doors) spot with paper & a nice pen. And your reminders of getting out work for me too. As much as an introvert I am, I need the connection.
xoxo
Oh goodness do I need to make a list like this. Thank you for sharing this, Kylie.
I think if I wrote my own it would need to include some gentle instructions for what to do when the usual things (writing, talking) have stopped working entirely. How to mourn and how to connect with that sadness without being overwhelmed by it.
Kylie–thank you! Way to go–on so many levels. I feel like you have written this for me, right here, right now: from “Your state of mind isn’t a spiritual or moral failing” all the way to “Some people really don’t understand depression. Do not talk to them about depression.” Thank you.
Notes to me, from my slightly wiser self: get on the trails. Find your routine. Move your body. Eat well. Carry on. You can’t solve all of the world’s problems in a day. You can’t solve all of the world’s problems.
Now, I will think on to my larger list.
–sending much love–
Mel: All your cures sound excellent. Particularly the hike: it combines getting outdoors with feeling like you’ve accomplished something when you get to the top of a mountain.
Jesse: Mmm…I like that. Like, when the normal ways of coping aren’t effective, and a stronger medicine needs to be called upon. I think that’s such a scary thing for most people, the part about connecting with sadness without being overwhelmed by it.
Lori-Ann: This seems like an excellent start. Particularly the part about not being able to solve all the world’s problems. Sending the love back!
What a very thoughtful post that I’m sure will help many. Thanks for posting your thoughts.
SO FREAKING TRUE! I love this post!!!
Simply perfect. None of those things are easy to do in moments of despair but oh so important to try. And also oh so important not to judge yourself if you can only do a bit. When you feel depressed or even a bit blue know that you are not alone, and that you would be amazed how many people will do what they can to help, if you only ask. Asking is the hard part. Think of yourself as your best friend. How would you be supportive to your friend in their moments of need?
Eileen: You are welcome!
Joslyn: Heck yeah! Yay!
Stephanie: “This of yourself as your best friend” is truly great advice. It’s something I think about a whoooole lot.
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[...] though, I have received some gentle reminders on finding balance. Kylie wrote a guideline for herself when feeling depressed, and it hit incredibly close to home for me. She offers so much gentle guidance there, and reminded [...]