Sometimes, the best thing I can do for myself is to get outside and be with people. This is potentially confusing, because I’m an introvert, and introverts are supposed to stay home and be by themselves, right?
Well, sometimes. But not always.
Introverts recharge by retreating. Extroverts recharge by interacting. But both groups still need alone time and interaction, and benefit differently from each. (Now’s probably as good a time as any to note that, yes, I do realize it’s simplistic to separate all people into two categories and that life isn’t binary. However, I’ve found these categories to be useful and liberating, so I employ them often, including today.)
I often convince myself that the best way for me to enjoy myself is by going home and reading, when the truly advantageous thing would be for me to go out into the world and look into people’s eyes, and talk to them, and be a bit uncomfortable with that. So how do I convince myself that going home is best, when I’ve seen, time after time, that it can be good for me to go to a party or a brunch every once in a while? I’m tripping over something here, and that something is my shyness. Unlike introversion (which has to do with where we derive our energy), shyness has to do with fear. Fear of rejection and looking silly and being seen and not being seen and saying the wrong thing and not knowing what to say. I could go on, but I won’t.
While obeying my introversion is a straight path to taking the action that’s right for me in the moment, obeying my shyness is more of a sentence to live within my own limited comfort zone, to my own detriment.
So how do I know the difference? How do I know when fear/shyness is speaking and when my introvert self-knowledge is speaking? I want a succinct answer, but all I come up with is this:
Practice. Much practice.
I’m often mistaking the voice of shyness for that of introversion. I miss out on opportunities due to fear, and I push myself too hard and have to take some emergency introvert recovery time (as Havi calls it) later. Note taking helps, though. I’ll note how I feel after going someplace. If I was right to ignore the voice that didn’t want to go, I’ll sometimes feel energized, inspired or grateful afterward. If I pushed myself too hard, I might come home feeling resentful, self-critical or even tearful for no (apparent) reason.
I do believe it’s worth it to push my boundaries and experience new things, collecting an encyclopedia of self-knowledge along the way. It’s worth the trial and error each time I connect with someone in a real way, or discover a New York secret I didn’t previously know, or realize I’m thoroughly capable of something I previously feared doing.
Because really, we all need human connection. Even introverts.
10 Comments
Oh Kylie, I LOVE this post because, in that binary, I am probably an introvert (my last name is solitaire, after all
)… I wrote about this recently in a post about fear. The social area of my life is, I believe, the one that I crave the most growth, especially since all other areas are things I can work on by myself– spiritual, physical, mental.
I love your last line, because it’s so true. I was thinking about this the other day: People who seek spiritual enlightenment in solitude don’t realize that God (Love, the Universe, the Divine, Spirit, whatever you want to call it) lies in other people and our connections with others.
I really love the way you write, Kylie. It captivates me + I’m honored to know you.
Sui: I just went and read the post you mentioned, and recognized so much of what you talk about. Here’s my very favorite line of the post: “Struggling like a fish out of water is not going to make you any stronger.” For me, this relates to this post, here, because I have this belief I have to struggle (like a fish out of water) alone. That while others, especially those who are extroverted, get to connect in times of struggle, that’s just not an option for me.
I’m feeling enormously lucky to know you, too.
Kylie: Yeah. Rereading my post, I don’t know if it came across that the biggest sources of fear in my life have often been centered around connecting with other people and reaching out for help. I totally know what you mean– I too have experienced the belief that if I’m struggling, I have to do it alone, because I have to be “strong,” blah blah blah…
Yes! Especially the reminders if the good, the playing, the new friends, the favorite cheese that you only found because you want to that one cocktail party and then, *gulp*, asked. Yes, that.
Yes! I love the way you write about this Kylie.
Hmm, I never thought to consider the difference between introversion and shyness. Not quite the same are they? I think I’ll need to remind myself of this next time I’m turning down an invitation.
I like the way you describe the difference between shyness and introversion — and how to recognize it. Being in tune with yourself and knowing when to push and when to not push takes a lot of practice, I think.
I work out of my home; I’m the sole employee of a small nonprofit, so I don’t even have co-workers. Lately, I’ve been spending more time at Starbucks. I like the energy of being around people but not necessarily having to interact with them.
The interesting thing about shyness for me is that I trip myself up thinking that I can’t be shy because I like to be quiet and listen (so not talking isn’t always because I’m shy) and also don’t always have trouble talking to random strangers (so clearly I can’t be shy or else I wouldn’t do that). So I like your noting that it is based on fear, because I don’t do lots of things out of fear (of rejection, etc.). I want to notice this more.
Kathryn: Asking about the cheese! Oh, yes. For me, it’s often asking about decor. My curiosity often trumps my fear, and the results are golden.
Mel: Mwah.
Adriana: Definitely not, in my opinion. But it’s often hard to tell. They can be sneaky.
Susan: Great point! I agree — it makes a huge difference to simply be in the presence of people. It’s interesting that there are so many variations of social or not-social activities. It takes practice to figure out which one you need at which time.
Elizabeth: Mmm; interesting. That way, the fear becomes kind of like your watch dog for shyness. It becomes your guide instead of your enemy. This fascinates me.
Yes! Coincidentally, I am in the middle of a Tara Brach podcast about Finding the Juice in Fear (well, titled something like that). It is about just that. It is fascinating.
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[...] ties into some other blogging I’ve read about the subject of introversion vs. shyness by Kylie Springman, and about knowing whether it’s just your introverted nature speaking and [...]