Why this didn’t occur to me before, I don’t know. It seems entirely obvious now that I’ve thought of it. But here it is: maybe, just maybe, my quality of life could be significantly improved by spending more time being social.
Okay.
Let me explain. I’ve lived in New York for something like seven years now. Seven. And the whole time, save for a few months here and there, I’ve felt lonely. Not in the romantic department. I’m good there. But in the friends and acquaintances department, there’s always been something lacking.
I’ve made friends, yes. Wonderful friends, in fact. Smart, funny, open-minded, proactive people. I’m lucky to have them. But these relationships don’t quite have the comfort and casualness I find in my friendships from pre-New York days. I don’t see my friends as much as I’d like, and I tell myself it’s because they’re busy and I’m busy. We’re all busy, and this is true to an extent.
I think it actually has more to do with my own fears, though. I’m afraid to ask my friends to spend time together because they might say no. Worse than that, they might feel obligated to spend time with me, or they might not actually like me, and I’ll find out.
(Hi, monsters. I see you there. You’re being quite vocal on this issue, aren’t you?)
The result of listening to these cautionary monsters is that I don’t ask people to do things with me. I don’t often go places where I’ll have to talk to strangers. I stay safe, and I also stay lonely.
I have more excuses, too. It’s expensive to go out in New York! I won’t get my blogging and coaching classes and photography done! I won’t have time to cook! There will be no time left to spend with Mary, or to spend with myself! (They’re all excellent excuses, really.)
I’ve decided, though, to see if my hypothesis is true, to find out whether I’ll actually feel happier and more fulfilled if I get more social. I’ve chosen November to test this hypothesis. It’s as good a month as any, I think, because it’s Mary’s birthday month, and I have a whole host of friends I haven’t seen in over a month, or in one case (eek!) over a year.
I now pronounce, in public, for the world to see, that November shall be my Month of Social Magic. I’m not sure what that means yet, so I’ll let you know as I go. You, dear readers, will provide me with accountability, for I hereby pledge to update you on how it goes.
How do you like them apples?
8 Comments
Your monsters and mine must have gone to the same monster school. I, too, have a need to be more social – and the same fears holding me back. We just moved here a few months ago and I don’t have any friends here (yet).
Thanks for the reminder that if I’m going to change this situation, I’ll need to actually do something about it. Good luck with your quest!
Yay for challenging yourself! I’ve started doing just the opposite for myself and have been trying to honor my need to stay in and nest…it’s working out so far!
Good luck and get going! xo
I love this, especially because I benefit from it! I’m so making you hang out with me this month. You can’t escape!
Patty: Yeah, I think it was some sort of overachiever school — they’re so insistent and practiced in their craft. I was in your spot (of just having moved somewhere new) two years ago, so I get that that’s an even more intimidating place to be. Thanks very much for the good luck. I’ll be back with updates on successes and places for growth.
Tiffany: That’s great! Whether it’s alone time or social time that we need, in the end it’s all about determining what our needs are and how me can gently meet them. This is a wonderfully cozy time for nesting. Wishing you tea, reading or whatever nesting means for you, darlin’.
Michelle: YES! You have me in your clutches already. I cannot wait to see you, lovely.
it is very easy to get lost in nyc. lost in your apartment even and not many notice. this is a great idea.
J: Yep; it’s true. People are definitely focused on their personal path here. So far, I’d say the reaching out really does pay off.
This has always been a problem for me too. I’m getting better at it, but still have some problems: I always assume it’s a chore for people to spend time with me, and I shouldn’t inconvenience them too much. When I say it out loud it sounds stupid, but I never said it out loud until a few weeks ago.
Good luck in November!
Layla: Yes, yes, yes! That’s exactly what I thought it was — a chore — for people to spend time with me. The good thing about this month is that I’ve taken action, and that action has proved me wrong. It’s given me hard evidence that people do want to be with me. And sometimes when we can’t convince ourselves of something, we need evidence.
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[...] has declared November to be Month of Social Magic. She’s figuring out how she wants to create social magic with her friends. It’s an experiment [...]