There’s this thing called capacity. I’ve heard of it. I’m aware it exists. And yet I forget, over and over again, that it applies to me.
Case in point: the state of my current commitments. I work full time as a grant writer. I just started an Etsy shop. Oh, and while I was at it, I started to offer portrait photography services. But because, clearly, having a full time job and starting a business wasn’t enough, I started a two-year coach training. You know; just for kicks.
At the same time, life is happening. There are births and holidays and sicknesses. Ends of jobs, ends of lives, terribly final events that are part of life but in a way that just isn’t fair. There are tears already shed and waiting to be shed. At a certain point, it all becomes too much.
I’m familiar with that edge where too much teeters over into falling apart. And yet I pretend it doesn’t exist. I thought it was a good idea to join Dian’s Self-Evidence and Authenticity Blog Challenge. It focuses on introspection, and it’s an opportunity to share with other introspective sorts of people and, well, how could I pass that up? Then along came 21.5.800. How could I not put my name on that list, as well? All the people I follow online (you know, the cool kids) were doing it, and it would be another lovely chance to meet people, similar to Gwen Bell’s End of 2009 Blog Challenge, which connected me with some wonderful people and experiences. Plus, it consists of yoga and writing. I love yoga and want more of it in my life. I do a lot of sitting between my day job, writing at home and editing photos. It seemed impossible not to join.
Finally, one day last week, it occurred to me (as if this was really a revelation instead of an obvious fact) that I couldn’t possibly do all of this. And when I say “it occurred to me”, I actually mean that I started sobbing with the heavy fear that I was sinking back into depression. By putting my name on those last two lists, I had given myself more pressure than I could bear. After a day or two of mentally tallying the hours available to me each day, I finally understood that I might just need to let go of these two online challenges, as much as I’d love to participate fully in them. See, there’s also this thing called hanging out and doing nothing with your girlfriend that’s pretty great and rejuvenating. And, when it comes down to it, infinitely more important than the completion of a challenge.
The reality is that I’ll never be able to do everything. While balance is incredibly elusive, I need time for sleep, rejuvenation, and doing nothing. I need time to do the dishes while blasting Savage Garden from the speakers. No matter how many activities I pile onto my plate, I’ll still be missing more. You’d think I would understand this after six years of living in New York, but it’s a lesson that just won’t sink in. I need to make peace with the fact that what I’m choosing to do is what’s right for me. Reducing my commitments means opening to the opportunity to fully engage with each commitment I choose. Fewer furrowed brows, more laughter and inspiration.
Maybe this month I’ll manage to sneak in more yoga than I otherwise would have (actually; this already happened with a few poses at the gym last week). Maybe my intention to do more writing through 21.5.800 will transfer, serendipitously, to more writing, even if it doesn’t add up to 800 words per day. Maybe letting go of commitments won’t be quite so painfully hard next time, since I’m working the muscle by letting them go this time. Maybe talking about this will be an opportunity to learn from others about how they honor their capacity.
Whether you’re a blogger, a student, a parent, or anything else, how do you relate to this idea of capacity? Do you ever struggle to identify and respect how much you’re able to juggle? Any tricks you have for making sure you don’t start sinking under too many commitments?
13 Comments
What a great post, Kylie. You know, you could slap a #SelfEv tag on this and call it Authenticity…or Courage…or Self-Awareness…or Intention…or Truth…
I love that you’re honoring you.
Dian: You know what? You’re totally right. Wahoo; I just inadvertently participated in #SelfEv! I’m calling this self-awareness. Thank you thank you thank you.
Having met you through Gwen’s Best of 09 Blog Challenge, I’m not surprised that we have this tendency in common. I sign up for way too many challenges. I even make up challenges for myself, as if there aren’t enough out there to participate in.
It’s good to push ourselves, to expand through challenges (self-imposed or otherwise), as long as it supports our ultimate priorities – to live and love and be in our relationships and all that. I say this fully aware that I need to take my own advice!
Great post.
Kylie so much of what you’ve written here resonates. I joined 215800 for the same reasons-community and hoping to build a steady yoga practise but I joined in the midst of creating a really demanding new project and getting into the swing of my blog- which went neglected for a whole week. Not what I planned at all.
I’m re-learning stuff about myself ALL the time.
Tricks? Nope, sorry lol. For me it seems I have to get to the edge, teeter and then go whoopsy let’s reign it in my dear. C’mon shrug off some baggage- without guilt. Hard stuff.
What I usually find helpful is journalling which has also been neglected due to all the taking on of all the ‘stuff’.
Thanks for sharing this. Needed to read it today xx
I am grappling with the EXACT same issues right now! I’m discovering that I need to ferociously enforce “zero-Internet zones” within my house. Bedroom, for example, is off-limits.
Every couple of months, I take a short trip back to LA to see my family. I ride my bike along the Pacific Ocean, read Oprah magazine, and amble about the Santa Monica Farmer’s Market. Not to sound dramatic, but those mini-vacations replenish my soul. It’s so critical to unplug your brain from time to time, and reconnect with the real-life people (and places) that matter.
Sending you lots of love + balanced mojo!
Wow! Thanks, everyone. It’s so good to be reassured that we’re in this together.
Christine: It’s such a tricky thing; to balance challenging ourselves with respecting what we can handle. I like what you said about making sure it “supports our ultimate priorities”–that’s a good tool for figuring out what to keep and what to drop. Yet another reason it’s good to know ourselves.
Nats: I put my name down for 215800 because of you, you know. I’m glad you mention journaling. Self-reflection is important both for knowing your edge and figuring out what to do when -oops!- you’ve gone past it. Just so you know, I love your blog no matter how often you update.
Alex: You are SO right. Unplugging is key for regaining sanity. It’s something I’ve been doing consciously lately, especially on the weekends. I’m still working on figuring out what works for me during the week, but I want to continue to limit the amount of times I check email, etc. Funny you should mention going home: I realized as I was writing this that I REALLY need to get back to Seattle to visit my family and enjoy the water and evergreens. I’m hoping to book my plan tickets in the next few days. Thank you for the love and mojo.
I am so delighted to have found this site of yours. Amazing! I love the design – it totally captured me, and then this post, well, I could have written it. In fact, I have kind of written this a few times in response to several posts about the 21.5.800 challenge. Oh, how I wish there were capacity for that, too.
And everything can change in the blink of an eye. 2 more weeks of the day job and then a big question mark. I want to not work a day job, yet I thought I had more time to plan, to create, to network, to practice. So resumes are flying and hopes are tickling me behind the ear, and advice is pouring in from (and in) all directions, and I wonder when I’ll find some stillness to find what I want and can afford in this moment, to do. So now I need to settle enough to get my nightly post done and toddle off to bed so tomorrow I can rise at 5:30 am to do it all over again.
I feel a sense of connection with you already, reading this and feeling exactly where it comes from. And, yes, I did learn that honouring my capacity is possibly the most important thing I can do. A health crisis a few years ago was a very good lesson in being still.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
Oh no I peer pressured you into it! lol
Thanks. I love visiting you here too.
Hope you’re enjoying chillin’, cosy, loved-up time and unplugging.
I’m still doing the challenge just at my own pace, and I haven’t been too strict on the yoga thing…Hmmm not sure I what I’m doing actually counts lol. Taking the opportunity to bask in some communal inspiration + energy.
x
Nats: No; I didn’t feel peer pressured, dear! Not to worry. After all, as you say it, communal inspiration + energy is what it’s all about.
PicsieChick: Wow; it sounds like you’re a flurry of activity now. Congratulations on only two weeks left! Is your nightly writing helping you to navigate some of the changes afoot? Thank you for the reassurance about honoring my capacity. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s always wonderful to receive encouragement. Sending you good thoughts for all the changes you’re making.
My goodness – sometimes I think we share a brain. I had that exact same meltdown just the other day. For me, when things start to pile up, I start believing that each and every one of them is a life-threatening situation. My brain starts to say, “do your laundry or DIE!,” “Respond to those e-mails of PERISH FOREVER!” “finish that painting or IT’S the END OF THE WORLD!!!” Luckily, the boyfriend is pretty good at spotting this downward spiral and talking some perspective into me. I’m all about the downtime. Especially the downtime that involves coming up with fabulous new jelly belly combinations…
Love you!
Adriana: There’s nobody I’d rather share a brain with. It is really helpful to have a partner/friend/family member who can remind us that some things are not urgent, even when they seem that way to us. We’d never be the wonderful people we are today without past playful downtime. And jelly beans.
Found you thru Mynde Mayfield, and I gotta say reading this post I thought you were writing about me!! beautifully written, and it so so resonates for me! I have definitely perfected the Art of Overload! I really appreciate your courage and ability to say: No, thanks!
Yael: I’m so glad you’re here. It’s a constant process, managing what we can handle and what makes us happy. Glad to know I’ve got company.